I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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