I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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