my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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