I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
