Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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