Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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