Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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