I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize