How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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