id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
