so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
