She said her name was "party"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
