I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
