fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
