Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
