I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
