so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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