Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
