I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
