I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
