he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
