Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
