he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
