thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
