I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize