i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
