Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
