I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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