I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
