trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
