i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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