Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
