you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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