I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
