i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
