I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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