The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
