Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
