My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
