I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
smell my finger.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
