So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
