i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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