The maid of honor just puked.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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