Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Randomize
