I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
