and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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