ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
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