wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
