You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
