And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
