u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
