I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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