My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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