I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize