all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
