A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
