I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
